may self-portrait
Here's my self-portrait for May for my 12in12 Project. For those of you who don't know, I'm documenting my journey into my 40s with a self-portrait every month so this month I wanted shared me as I am most days.
Either portrait works for this as I'm either looking directly at you or on my camera to capture your perfect portrait.
Something about me that not everyone knows is that I used to work in Stage Management all over the country - RSC, National, West End and used my maiden name as my Equity name, which is Atha. My work has always been something I loved and part of me, solely me, so keeping my maiden name for this always felt right. So when I began my professional photography journey I wanted a nod to my maiden name for my work so Atelier Creative have AC as it's initials, my initials CA for my work were the reverse of this. It just felt right.
Another thing that not everyone knows about me is that sometimes I struggle with my mental health. It's Mental Health Awareness week right now so it only seems appropriate to share this with you as it shouldn't be as much of a taboo to admit this as it is. In fact, they believe 1 in 2 of us suffers with our Mental Health so it should be something we all talk about.
Everyone presents differently with symptoms when it comes to their Mental Health, but for me I can feel flat and wanting to sleep a lot as well as not being in big groups of people. It doesn't stop me functioning but it does make me focus on what's important so I make sure my family and my clients are looked after and cut out some of the bits that I just don't have the mental resources for.
I always struggle around this time of year mentally because I lost someone extremely close to me five years ago to suicide due to the state of his mental health. He was my cousin but he meant the world to me and was more like my brother. Our Gran's were cousins and our Grandad's were brothers so the family connection ran deep and we spent a lot of time talking about family quirks and how we fit into them. He used to call me when he had a joke idea he wanted to run past me (he was an aspiring comic) and how I would manage him when he was playing bigger gigs with my stage knowledge. He would also come over when we were at uni together when I needed a cuddle but equally scald me when I was concerned about him and had expressed that concern to his Mum.
The last picture I have of us together was at my wedding, 8 years ago now. It isn't even a picture of us together per se and I wanted to get one that day properly but there never was a good moment. The other image is taken on my 22nd birthday meal. I had broken up with a boy the week previously so he came to look out for me and make sure I had a great night. He hated this picture of us, him in particular but I love it. It summed us and our relationship up perfectly. Silver-lining to everything (if you could find one) is that he isn't here to argue with me sharing now so I won this one Gav!
It is pictures like this that gave me even more momentum to pursue Atelier Creative. I didn't want anyone to lose loved ones and not have that portrait of them because photographs really are priceless. I wish I'd come to photography sooner and had a portrait of us together to cherish. The few pictures I do have mean the world to me and are now on the wall. My daughters know who he is from those images as they came along two weeks after his death so never got a chance to meet him. They do have a pair of the socks though that he got them - he would have loved them.
If you learn anything from my ramble today please be kind to yourselves. Life is too precious. I'm just so privileged to be able to freeze moments in time for others because they are priceless and will be even more so as time ticks on. Here's to you Gav, thanks for still being one of the reasons I get up and give it my all every day.
If you would like to see more of my self-portraiture, please head over to my project page and take a look or drop me a message with any comments you have.
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